Downward Spiral
by Marion the Geek
Summary: Set after the episode Privlege. Alex and Bobby still haven't really made up from War at Home. They get snowedin in PA by a freak snowstorm on Christmas Eve. How strong is their connection? How bad will it get, before it starts to get better?


Author's Note: This story is set after season six, episode twelve: "Privilege." I noticed several things in this episode. One, I believe it was set before Christmas, because at one point there is someone putting on a Santa suit in the background of the squad room. I think Bobby took a few days off, but not very long. And I don't think he and Alex resolved anything. They were tense and stiff in a way they haven't been since the first season. Before they started getting along. She didn't snark at him once. The cracks in their partnership were quiet, but present.

I began this story on Christmas Eve. It is partially inspired by me listening to Snoopy vs. the Red Baron Christmas Song on repeat for much of the holiday season. You'd think it would be a happier story. It's not. It's dark. They've hit bottom, and Bobby is in a very cold and lonely place. It's not really a post ep. for "Privilege" that's just where it fits into the continuum.

There will be a sequel to this, and it will be lighter. They will get through this together, but as the title suggests, this story is about their downward spiral.

Disclaimer: Law & Order: Criminal Intent belongs to Dick Wolf, NBC, and Wolf Films, et al. The characters and setting are borrowed without permission. This is a work of fan fiction. The plot belongs to me. I am making no money from this. I humbly request not to be sued.

Tile: Downward Spiral

By: Marion

T'was The Night Before Christmas… well, the day before.

"Don't worry, Mom," said Robert Goren, leaning back against the big black SUV with his cell phone at his ear. "I'll be there. We're headed back to the city now. I'll be at the center before dinner."

"You know Michael will be here any minute," said Frances Goren. "You wouldn't deny an old woman one last Christmas with her sons."

"Of course not," said Bobby. His patience with this conversation was growing a little thin. This was the fourth time she'd called today and it was the same every time. "I'll be there in a few hours, Mom. I promise."

He watched his partner as she came out of the gas station, two steaming cups of coffee in her hands and a bag of skittles in her teeth.

"If you don't come soon," said Frances Goren, petulantly. "I'll be tired out and fall asleep. I won't live to see another Christmas, Bobby."

"Don't talk that way," said Bobby, feeling like a child. "The doctors said your treatment was going really well."

"Those quacks don't know cancer from a hole in the wall," Frances grumbled. "I don't trust them."

"Those quacks are the best doctors in New York State, Mom," Bobby said wearily. He pinched the bridge of his nose with his free hand. Alex Eames held a cup of coffee out to him and he smiled in thanks as he took it. "I need to go, Mom. I'll see you soon. We're leaving the gas station."

"You tell that lady cop to let you drive," Frances barked. "She doesn't want you to see me. She'll go slow on purpose."

"Mom, that's not true," said Bobby. "She's as anxious to be home as I am. Her family is waiting, too." He saw Alex raise her eyebrows slightly as she took the skittles from her mouth and relocated them to her pocket. She made an effort to pretend not to listen as she took a long sip of her coffee.

"Boys are supposed to listen to their mothers," Frances pouted. "But not you. Never you."

"Mom, I'm going to go now. I love you and I'll see you soon. Tell Michael to call me when he gets there, okay?"

"So you can tell him you aren't coming," she accused and hung up the phone.

Bobby's shoulders slumped as he flipped his phone closed.

"Everything all right?" Alex asked gently.

Bobby took a sip of his coffee. She'd made it just how he took it. He sighed. "Not worse than usual," he said finally. He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile. From the look on her face he knew the attempt had failed.

She knew better than to press him. That was as deep as she ever got. As deep as he ever let her get. She'd given up trying. She headed around to her side of the car, carefully ripping open the pack of skittles with her teeth and the hand not holding her own coffee. He climbed into the SUV as she did the same and they drove away in a palpable silence.

Things had been tenser than usual between them since Thanksgiving. Everything was strictly professional between them… noticeably so. They hadn't discussed holiday plans or exchanged gifts. They hadn't seen each other at all outside of work. They barely spoke unless it was about some case or another.

Bobby was grateful she was still his partner after his temper tantrum the previous month. They hadn't spoken about it since. He hadn't apologized for hurting her. He knew he had. Some how he couldn't bring himself to voice his regret.

He missed the banter. She never teased him anymore. She never made jokes or smiled at him in that way that she used to. The way that said they shared something special. The way she used to smile and let him know she understood him like no one else did.

"It's getting colder," she said, turning up the heat a little. He grunted in acknowledgement. The silence continued. The highway stretched out before them; traffic surprisingly light for Christmas Eve. They were a little less than four hours west of the city. It was just after ten in the morning and they'd been up for hours. They'd closed a big case today and made an arrest. When they got back to One Police Plaza they had a little bit of paperwork and then they were free.

They were about five miles from the gas station when the noise started. Clunk, clang, hiss. Clunk, clang, hiss.

"Damn it," Eames swore as the car started to slow. "This cannot be happening." She tried the accelerator to no avail. She pulled onto the shoulder and came to a halt. The engine made an awful sputtering sound and turned itself off. She tried the ignition but nothing happened.

Bobby sighed. Luck just was not with him. "I'll go take a look," he said. "You want to call Ross?"

Alex was giving the steering wheel and angry look. "Yeah," she muttered. "I'll call him."

Bobby climbed out of the SUV and took off his coat and his suit jacket. He shivered in the wind as he rolled up his shirtsleeves. "Pop the hood, okay?" She did and he went around to look.

Alex stifled a groan and dialed their captain. He answered on the third ring. She told him of their predicament and gave him their location. He said he'd take care of it and call back in a few minutes. She thanked him and hung up the phone. _Damn. Damn damn damn. Damn. Damn, hell, shit. Fuck!_

Alex got out of the car and went to peer under the hood with Bobby. He was looking grim, grease smudged up to his elbows. "Any luck?" she asked.

He shook his head miserably. There was steam rising from places in the engine where it shouldn't be.

Her cell phone rang. It was Ross. There was a tow truck coming but it would be at least five hours in getting there. They couldn't really expect better on Christmas Eve. He had called in the Pennsylvania state police. An officer should be there to get them in an hour or so. She hung up the phone.

"What's the word?" asked Bobby. She relayed what their captain had told her.

Alex kicked the tire petulantly. "Could this get any worse?" she shouted at the sky.

It began to snow.

The weather station the night before had predicted flurries from west of where they were to east of Carmel Ridge. No accumulation, they had promised. Just pretty little snow flakes, like cheerful white faeries, brightening up the landscape.

Old man winter, it seemed, had other plans.

Bobby and Alex climbed back in the SUV to wait for their ride. Big wet snowflakes landed on the windshield. The wind howled in the trees off the highway. Soon they could barely see out of the car.

"Great," said Alex. "A blizzard."

"It's only a blizzard if it keeps up like this for more than three hours," Bobby said knowledgeably. She didn't look as if she appreciated the insight. She stared silently out of the driver's side window, watching as two inches of snow accumulated in less than twenty minutes.

Alex's cell phone rang. She glanced at the caller ID. "Hi Dad," she said blandly as she flipped it open.

"Please tell me you are home and safe with this freak storm blowing in," said her father.

"Wish I could, Pop," she said. "Goren and I had a case to wrap up early this morning in Pennsylvania. We're about 150 miles from Manhattan and our SUV won't start."

"Shit," her father muttered.

"The PA State Police are on their way to get us," said Alex. "With any luck I'll be home before Santa makes his run."

"You be safe, Lexie," said Johnny Eames. "I'd rather have you in one piece than home for Christmas."

"No heroic measures; got it. Give everyone my love. I'll call you once I know anything," she said.

"Okay, Sweetheart. You take care of yourself. It's bad out there. Tell Bobby Merry Christmas for me and your mom."

"I will, Daddy. Talk to you later." She hung up the phone. "Is it a blizzard yet?" she growled.

Bobby was taken aback by her vehemence. He looked down at his feet and turned on the radio. A news bulletin was issuing severe weather warnings.

"A blizzard has hit New England," the announcer proclaimed. Alex looked smug. Bobby ignored her. "It will be a white Christmas from Pennsylvania to Connecticut. Those snow flurries we were supposed to have gotten super juiced by the Gulf Stream and the storm is stalled over New England. Expect two or more feet of snow in New York City. Parts of Pennsylvania and New Jersey might see more than four feet of the white stuff, especially near the Great Lakes.

"We encourage everyone to get off the roads and stay inside. Wind gusts of forty miles an hour have been reported. The mix of falling and blowing snow has reduced visibility to almost nothing and it's only going to get worse this afternoon folks. Stay inside. Get off the roads. With any luck the storm will get moving again by 10pm tonight."

"Shit," Alex cursed. She took a deep breath. "I wonder when those State troopers will get here."

Bobby grunted and shrugged. Alex shivered from the cold. Their breath was coming out in little white puffs.

"I should have been at my parents house already," Alex said suddenly. She punched the steering wheel. "This fucking job! You'd think we could get Christmas Eve off! We're the best in the department!" She beat her fists against the steering wheel until Bobby thought she'd split her knuckles.

He reached over and stilled her hands. She looked at him, her face fierce with a mix of emotions. She folded her sore hands on her lap and turned back toward the window sullenly.

An hour passed in relative silence. Bobby was growing more resigned to the fact that he wasn't going to keep his promise to his mother.

His phone rang. "Bobby, it's Michael," said his brother. "I made it to Carmel Ridge just before it got bad. Where are you?"

"I'm trapped in Pennsylvania with a broken down car," said Bobby. "I'll do everything I can to get there, but I…"

"Be careful out there," said Michael. "You get here when you can and we'll tell mom it's Christmas even if it isn't. You can't help the weather."

"She's schizophrenic, Mickey, not stupid," said Bobby. "Tell her I'm sorry. I need to save the power on my cell phone. I'm not going to pick up if she starts calling every five minutes. I'll call you once we get somewhere safe."

"All right, Bobby," said Michael. "Be careful. Merry Christmas."

"Yeah, right," said Bobby. He hung up the phone.

Alex shivered and pulled her coat tighter around herself. The temperature was dropping again. "The car's really covered," she said softly. "And the visibility is next to nothing. What if they can't find us?"

Bobby was stunned by her question. She wasn't facing him, but he could see the tension in the set of her shoulders. "We'll be all right," he said. "They'll find us as soon as the storm lets up. The car broadcasts a GPS locator signal. We just have to be patient."

Alex took a deep breath and he thought he heard it catch as she let it out. He started to reach for the woman shivering in front of him, but stopped with his hand hovering over her shoulder. He pulled back his hand and laid it on his lap. It wasn't his place to comfort her. He was the last person she wanted to be with on Christmas Eve.

The howling of the wind died down a little bit. Suddenly there was a crunching in the snow on the passenger side door, followed by a hand knocking on the window. Bobby shoved his door open. He and Alex booth reeled from the blast of cold air.

"You the NYPD detectives?" a voice yelled.

"Yes," Bobby called back. "I'm Detective Goren and this is my partner, Detective Eames."

"Officer Arnold Walker, Pennsylvania State Police. I'm tethered to my vehicle by a guide rope. Grab what you need and follow the rope back to my partner," said the man who had arrived.

Bobby grabbed his cell phone and his leather case and climbed out of the SUV. He looked back at his partner. She climbed over the middle of the car and stumbled, nearly sprawling out into the snow. Her muscles were stiff with the cold. Bobby caught the full force of her fall in the chest. He locked an arm around her reflexively, steadying them both. He felt for the guide rope with his free hand and pulling her with him made his way to the waiting State Police SUV.

Officer Walker's partner was holding open the back door for them. Bobby helped Alex into the car before climbing in himself. Officer Walker returned and introduced them to his partner, Officer Matthew Hellmann.

"We're lucky you guys had a locator beacon," said Officer Hellmann. "There's almost no visibility out here. There's a motor lodge just about a mile up the road. We're headed there to get you out of the weather. It's expected to get worse before it gets better and we have more motorists to try to locate."

"Thank you for picking us up," said Alex. She was huddled into the corner of the back seat, shivering and rubbing her arms.

"You fellahs need an extra pair of hands getting people out of this mess?" asked Bobby.

"Visibility what it is," said Walker. "We want as few people out as possible. We have training in this kind of emergency. Once it blows over, though, we could probably use the help. We'll let you know."

Bobby nodded his understanding.

It took eighteen minutes to drive the mile to the motor lodge. A tough looking middle-aged woman came out to the car to lead them inside. She was tethered to the main door by a guide rope.

Once Goren and Eames were safely inside she turned to them. "I'm Bonnie Crawford," she said. "I'm the proprietor of the Davy Crockett Motor Court. Welcome."

She showed them to a couch in the main office and made sure they had some hot liquid that was passable as coffee. "We'll see if we can get you up to a room if the storm lets up. You should probably stay together, though. So someone always knows where you are. We have a problem with power outages around these parts, so we have back up generators here. We don't have to worry about losing heat."

"If you need any help getting the generators started, or something," said Bobby. "Please let me know. I'd be happy to help."

"Thank you," said Bonnie. "If I need you, I'll be sure to let you know."

Bobby and Alex sat quietly on the couch in the office watching the snow swirling past the windows.

While Alex called Captain Ross and told him they were safe and gave him the location of the motel, Bobby called Michael on his cell phone. "We made it to a motel," said Bobby. "But I think we're stuck here for the foreseeable future."

"Glad to hear you're out of the storm," said Michael. "Mom is resting. We'll be okay. You can't help the weather."

"Tell her I love her," said Bobby, sadly. This was as far from how he wanted to spend the day as he could think of. "Merry Christmas, Mickey."

"You, too, Bobby," said his brother. "We'll be in touch. Stay safe."

"You too. Goodbye," said Bobby.

Then Alex called her parents' house. Her father answered. "Hi, Daddy," she said. "We're at the Davy Crockett Motor Court near the Jersey, Pennsylvania border. We're stuck here for now."

"I'm just glad you're safe," said Johnny. She could hear the sounds of her copious nieces and nephews playing in the background.

"Is everybody there?" she asked.

"Everybody except my baby girl," he said. "You stay safe, Alexandra. We wish you were here with us."

"Me, too, Daddy. Give everyone my love. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, honey."

She hung up the phone, staring at it for a long time. "It's not supposed to be like this," she said, not really to her partner. "First Thanksgiving, and now, Christmas. I just want to spend the holidays with my family. What's wrong with that?"

"I'm sorry it worked out this way," Bobby ventured softly. She didn't look at him and she didn't respond.

It wasn't too long after that, that Bonnie led them up an inside stairway, usually reserved for staff, and to the first room on the open-air second floor. They shivered as they wrenched the door open and went inside. "Here's my card," said Bonnie. "That's my cell phone number in case the phones go down. Let me know if you need anything."

She left Bobby and Alex alone once more. Alex sat down on one of the two full size beds and looked at her partner. "Did your brother make it to Carmel Ridge all right?" she asked softly.

At first it seemed as if Bobby would ignore the question, as he had so many others in the past few weeks. He went to his own bed and took his coat off. He sat down, shoulders slumping. "He's there," he said finally, not looking at Alex.

"That's good," she said.

Silence resumed between them. Bobby took off his shoes and climbed up on the bed. He opened up his leather binder and began to read silently to himself.

"Do you mind if I turn the TV on?" Alex asked softly. "I'll keep the volume low."

Bobby was conscious of the effort she was making to be polite. He glanced up from his reading. "No, I don't mind. I hope it's working all right in this storm."

Alex turned on the TV. There was a little interference present in the picture, but it wasn't bad. She flipped channels and settled on "A Christmas Story." "Have you ever seen this movie?" she asked. It was just starting.

Bobby glanced up again. "No, I don't think so," he said.

"It's the best Christmas movie ever made," said Alex. She was smiling at him. "It's really funny. You should watch it. It might cheer you up."

Bobby's eyes darkened and he turned away from her, pretending to read his binder.

"Suit yourself," she said. She took her shoes off and curled up on her bed to watch the movie.

Bobby watched the movie over the edge of his binder, being careful not to let on. He bit his lip to keep from laughing at the leg lamp. Alex was completely focused on the movie.

Apparently the channel was running the movie nonstop until 6pm Christmas Day. There was nothing else on, so Alex let the movie run though again. She switched over to weather channel after that. "The massive blizzard that stalled over New England today," said the announcer. "Should be tapering off around nine pm for New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Expect clear skies and a full moon to light Santa's way. The transportation authorities of New England encourage everyone to stay off the roads until they can be cleared. Everywhere the blizzard touched there's at least two feet of snow. Parts of eastern Pennsylvania have over four feet. Rescue workers are trying to find people trapped in their cars on the highways. It won't be a very merry Christmas for some folks."

Alex switched it back to the movie. During it's fourth run she fell asleep. Bobby picked up the remote and turned off the TV. Alex was on top of her covers. He undid one side of the blankets and cocooned them around his partner.

She snuggled down into the blankets unconsciously and looked peaceful. He felt a pang of jealousy that she could sleep like that. He settled himself back on his own bed, lines from "A Christmas Story" still playing in his head. She was right. It was a funny movie. Not that he'd wanted to watch it four times.

Around eleven thirty that evening, with his partner still sound asleep, Bobby decided to call his brother.

"Hello," came the weary sounding answer.

"Hi, Michael. It's Bobby," Goren said softly, consciously trying not to wake Eames.

"How's it going?" asked his brother.

"We're snowed in," said Bobby, rising to look out the window. "There's about four feet of snow here in Pennsylvania. It's stopped snowing, though. How is it up at Carmel Ridge?"

"It stopped snowing here, too. We have about two and a half feet on the ground," said Michael. "They found me a cot to sleep on. I'm staying here until this mess is cleared off the roads."

"That's good," said Bobby. "I know mom will be glad to have you there. How is she doing?"

"She's sleeping," said Michael, sounding a little distressed.

"Well, don't wake her," said Bobby. "She's okay, though, right? She was so set on us all being together."

"Yeah… she was," said Michael. "Listen, Bobby, it's not your fault. This storm is a hell of a freak thing." Something in his voice worried Bobby.

"Mickey, what's wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," his brother said, not really convincingly.

"Don't you lie to me, Mickey," Bobby said, his voice gravelly. Fear was gripping him. "What's wrong?"

"Now Bobby, what use is there in me telling you. You can't do a damn thing…"

"Michael!" Alex stirred in her sleep at this exclamation.

"Mom was really upset when we found out you couldn't get up here," said Michael. "She was saying all kinds of crazy things about you and your partner. She got so worked up they had to sedate her."

The more he spoke the more Bobby's shoulders slumped. His face grew dark and drawn.

"She… she had a bad reaction to the sedative," Michael continued. "She went into respiratory arrest. She's on a ventilator. They don't know if… if she'll ever…"

Bobby flipped the phone closed. Alex rolled over on her bed in time to see him hurl his cell phone viciously at the wall.

"Bobby?" Alex sat up, looking at him worriedly. He tensed at the sound of her voice. She climbed out of her bed and came toward him. "Are you all right? What's wrong?" She put her hand on his shoulder.

He jerked away from her. "Don't," he growled.

"Bobby?" She tried not to sound hurt.

"Don't pretend that you care!" he shouted. She drew back at the rage in his voice. "Just stay away from me! We aren't friends… you've made that perfectly clear over the past month…"

"Oh, don't you dare put all of that on me. You have been awfully shitty to me these last few weeks!" Alex shouted back.

"Sorry I couldn't be more attentive to your needs," Bobby snarled. "I was a little busy dealing with my crazy, dying mother!"

Alex turned away from him, fighting tears. When she was sure she was in control of her emotions she turned back. He was still slumped, his body shaking slightly. "What happened?" she asked gently. "W…was that your brother on the phone?" She put her hands on his back, stroking softly.

Bobby tensed but he didn't pull away.

"Bobby, this isn't us," she said. Her voice betrayed her pain. "Please… please talk to me. This rift between us is breaking my heart."

"Stupid little girl," he murmured darkly. His voice was so low she could barely be sure of what he said.

"Bobby?"

Before she knew what was happening her back was slammed violently against the wall. Bobby's hands were on her shoulder's, pressing her tight to the wall. Her feet barely touched the ground. He kissed her roughly, his tongue and teeth grazing her lips.

"You want an emotional connection from a man who can't give it," he said throatily. He kissed her neck. "You got so mad when I didn't reciprocate." He nipped her collarbone. "You ruined a perfectly good partnership." He pressed his hips against her, pinning her more tightly to the wall. "It was none of your damn business and when I wouldn't talk to you…" He thrust his hips against her roughly, growling low in his throat when he heard her little cry of pain. "Is this what you wanted?" he growled, kissing her neck again. "Is it all you hoped it would be?"

For the first time in his little tirade he met her eyes. He expected anger, maybe even hatred to be reflected there. Maybe now she'd leave him alone. What he saw was enough to snap him to his senses. The only emotion in Alex Eames' wide-open brown eyes was fear.

_She's afraid of me…_ The world crashed in on Robert Goren like a ton of bricks. _Oh God, what have I done…_

Bobby leapt away from Alex as if she was on fire. He staggered backwards, reeling like he'd been hit by lightning. He ran his hands over his face, pacing frantically back and forth. After a few laps he tore out of their hotel room, fleeing from that look in her eyes.

Alex crumpled to the floor when Bobby's weight left her. Her whole body shook and she dry heaved until she thought her stomach would collapse. She'd never seen rage like that from her gentle partner. And certainly never directed at her… It had all happened so fast; she could hardly believe it. She gasped and coughed, trying to steady her breathing. She touched her face and her hands came away wet with tears she hadn't even realized she was shedding. _Bobby, what's happening to you? What's happened to us?_

xxx

Bobby staggered down the open-air balcony toward the stairs. He wanted to get as far away from Alex as fast as he could. In his frenzied dash he slipped on some ice on the fourth stair from the bottom and tumbled. He scraped up one knee pretty badly and landed face first in a snowdrift. Tears of pain and desperation stung his eyes. He made no move to lift himself out of the freezing snow. The winter moon cast a bright, cool light on everything.

_I'm no good to anyone,_ he thought. _She only ever wanted to help me. And I've only caused her pain. The one person who gave a damn about me and I…hurt her. I scared her. You should never be afraid of your partner._

His heart ached at the thought of Alex. _She loved me_, he realized. _Truly she did. The only person who ever wanted to. And I was too afraid of getting hurt to let her in. Strong, brave, beautiful Alex loved me and I destroyed it._ He flashed back to the fear in her eyes. He flinched at the memory. _She'll never forgive me. Why should she? And even if she could, how could I ever forgive myself…_

He struggled to his feet. Freezing to death in the snow was too easy. He deserved worse than that. He touched his hip, finding his holster and NYPD issued weapon just where they would be. Wet and shivering in the frigid air he slowly climbed the stairs, longing to feel her warm presence once more.

He walked past the entrance to their room and sat on a bench a few feet from their closed door. He held his gun in his hands, staring at it. He could feel Alex in their room. He could always feel it when she was near. _Alex, I'm sorry…_

xxx

When she felt she could cry no more, Alex sat up a little straighter. _I have to find him,_ she thought. She was unsure whether she wanted to protect the world from her partner… or if she wanted to protect her partner from the world. She stood up and looked at his things sitting in a small pile. _He still has his gun. In his emotional state…_ Her heart clenched. She didn't want to think Bobby would hurt himself, but at that moment she wasn't sure. _Bobby, please… don't do anything stupid._

She went to the door and peered out, searching for him. He hadn't gone far. She saw him sitting on a bench just a few feet away. He was very still, his hands clutching something on his lap. "Bobby?" she called softly. He visibly stiffened. The bright moon slipped behind a lingering cloud.

xxx

Bobby brought the gun to his lips, staring down its long barrel. His mother was dying… She was worse because he couldn't take Christmas Eve off to be with her. He should have been at Carmel Ridge this morning. She might not ever wake up again and it was his fault. His partner… the one person who truly loved him… well he'd ruined that. There was no longer love in her eyes when she looked at him. Only fear…

"Bobby!" she called again, desperately. She was coming towards him on this cold, dark night.

He slipped the gun past his lips and into his broad mouth. Those few feet between them felt like miles and miles to Alex as she watched his actions in horror. The moon came from behind the clouds, casting her partner in an ethereal light. His finger hovered over the trigger.

He pulled the trigger just as the church up the road began chiming the midnight hour. Christmas. Alex reached him at that moment.

Bobby took the gun out of his mouth and stared at it. It hadn't gone off. Between the freezing temperatures and Bobby's less than perfect gun care regiment, it hadn't gone off.

Alex put her hand on the gun. He was still holding it tightly. "Let it go, Bobby," she said, tears freezing on her red cheeks. He looked at her without seeing her. He kept his grip on the gun. "Please, Bobby, give me the gun," she pleaded.

"It didn't go off," he said disbelievingly.

A fresh sob bubbled from Alex's throat as she held tightly to the gun. "Bobby! Just give me the gun! Please!" She managed to pry his fingers loose and took the weapon away. She removed the clip and tossed it off the balcony, into the snow. She let the gun itself fall to the icy floor.

Bobby was staring down at his hands now, refusing to look at her. "Why did you stop me?" he asked softly.

The sound of the slap Alex landed on his left cheek echoed through the silent night. Bobby stared at her now, shocked.

"Why did I stop you?" she shouted. "What the hell were you thinking?" She stepped toward him. The Christmas bells were still ringing as she stood between his knees, one arm holding his head against her collarbone, the other around his back. She laid her cheek against his soft curls, sobbing quietly.

Bobby began to cry. His sobs shook the small woman who held on tight. Slowly, Bobby slipped one long arm around the small of her back. The other went around the backs of her thighs. He held her to him, sobs wracking his large frame. They held on to each other for dear life, each clinging desperately to the most important person in their lives.

After a few minutes Alex lifted her head. "Bobby, you're soaking wet," she said. She tugged him to his feet. "Let's get you inside."

He lumbered after her slowly, his joints stiff with the cold. "Alex…" his voice was raw. "I'm sorry." He sniffled and shuddered. "God, Alex… I don't know what came over me. I am so sorry. I should never have grabbed you…"

"Bobby…"

"I'll transfer out of the department," he continued. "You belong in Major Case. I'm just a crazy fuck-up…"

"Bobby!"

He looked at the worry lines creasing her face. She pulled him into their room.

"Don't you dare transfer out of Major Case! You're my partner! I don't want to work with anyone else…"

"After what I did…"

"Bobby, what happened to us? We were the best team… you were my best friend. I want that back." She put her hand against his cold cheek. "I'm ruined for anyone else. They'd be much too boring after you."

He wanted to kiss her. He put his hand on her face, his thumb gently stroking her cheek. "You really still want to be my partner?" He voice quavered with the question. He barely dared to hope that it might be true.

Her eyes grew very serious. "Yes. We need to talk. We need to fix what's between us. But we're partners for keeps, Bobby."

She could feel his tears flowing over her hand. He was trembling. He covered her hand with his own, sliding it down so he could place the slightest of kisses on her palm. "I don't deserve you," he whispered reverently.

"Maybe not," she said, a touch of wry humor glinting at the edge of her voice. "But you better believe you're stuck with me. You worried the shit out of me today. I thought I might lose you. Don't you ever pull something like that again. I'd never forgive you if you left me on purpose."

"I love you," he said softly, looking directly into her eyes. "I know I shouldn't be saying it. I haven't the right… but I love you."

She broke away from his intense gaze and started tugging at his shirt. "If we don't get you out of these wet cloths I'll have saved you from yourself, only for you to die of pneumonia." She let him go and went into the bathroom for some towels.

Bobby watched her go. Listlessly he slumped onto his bed. When had his life become so miserable? When had it gotten to the point where it wasn't worth living anymore? He looked at his empty hands. What had he almost done to himself? As wretched as he felt, he was glad he could still feel it. He realized that he wanted to live.

End of Part 1 of 2.

Author's note: Yes, this will have a sequel. I promise. And it may not be sunshine and rainbows, but it will be a hell of a lot happier than this. As always, reviews are truly appreciated and genuinely treasured.


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